Title: Elvis Costello – (I Don’t Want To Go To) Chelsea
I don’t think I work like other people. I think my brain can’t always handle the same things as others can. I’m too jealous now, and then sometimes I can suddenly turn of the jealousy. I don’t wanna be jealous. I don’t wanna be jealous about EVERYTHING! I’m not sure how I’ll survive in a relationship that way, but I manage pretty well. At least has done so far. But I feel like there’s more things to worry about and more things that I’m jealous about and more rational reasons for it than before.
I’m scared. I’m terrified, actually. I know she can have better than me, but I don’t want her to leave me. I love her with all of my heart, but I feel like she’s slipping from me. From me to her friends. And the guy I hate. I feel like he’s trying to steal her as well. I sometimes dream of shooting a big hole in his head. Everything seems to change, just when I was getting used to, and started to like as well, the situation I was in. By saying I just started liking the situation I’m in, is more thinking about school, since I’ve always liked VERY well to be in the relationship I’m in.
I’m not sure what’s happening. I just know I’m not the one in control and that I’m not the “best card in the deck”. I’m not a super person. I’m not good. I don’t have good genes…
I dreamt about you tonight. I don’t dream about you a lot, and when I do, you’re mainly not yourself. You usually don’t care about me or is mad about something. But this time, you were yourself. You were exactly as you are when we’re together. You were sleeping over at MY place. That’s happened like three times before, but this time it happened without it being a special occasion and without any warnings from your mother, like there usually are. I can’t recall if you were sleeping over from Friday to Saturday, and I can’t say I remember the sleeping bit, but I remember us being close, as we get when we’re you’re here and especially when we’re together like that for two days. It was really nice. I mainly now remember you leaving, because I got so upset. I think I cried, and I couldn’t really open my eyes. I couldn’t do so when I woke up either. And there wasn’t anything special that made us close. We didn’t have intercourse or anything, we were just together. It was really nice. It was just like it can ONLY be with you. It’s why I love you and feel like I belong with you. This dream reminded me of that.
I love you, ms Universe