I tried writing poetry today (also known as “lyrics“), but it fucking wouldn’t work. I don’t have it in me at this moment. I have the potential of making a great instrumental song, but the lyrics? No, not today. Probably too much…no, I won’t say that. I won’t say I feel too shitty, because you can never feel too shitty for art. Art is supposedly better the crappier off you are. And I’m nowhere near a masterpiece, despite feeling pretty bad now. And I don’t have the courage to say it out loud. Or write it directly to someone. Therefore, I blog.
Will there in the future be so that pupils at school will have to read through blog posters blog posts? That would be something, wouldn’t it? But why not? If it’s a bit factual or lyrical anyways. Not just “outfit of the day”. That would be more for the cultural studies. It would be grand to be one of those they had to read. I hope it could be me. Don’t think so, but I still hope. I should really get around to writing that fucking book. No idea what it should be about though. It will be non-fiction. As in neither science fiction, nor past fiction. Guess the term should be something like…well, non-fiction. But that’s already coined for factual texts.
So I sit here, listening to the same song without any meaning, just because it’s soothing. Comforting even, perhaps. It has nothing to do with my mood. The lyrics are about some party. I really don’t care. The melody is just…calm. Calm and flowing. And then I don’t have to find a new song and a new band and a new album and a new genre all the time. It just is there. It can keep playing all night for what I care. Might change it eventually. Will not be satisfied with changing it, but felt it was what was expected of me. Probably. I was just sitting here in peace and quiet before I put it on.
Why must it be illegal to kill your parents, when they are probably the ones who deserves it the most?
Really. Why? If I had just gotten rid of them, many of my current problems would be solved. But sadly, it is illegal. To just be free from them…oh, the joy. If I was a child of divorce, maybe it would be easy to sneak away from them without anyone noticing. But I’m not. And they both seems to want me to stay, while saying they don’t want me to stay. They want to control whether my room is clean or not, whether it is an oral agreement on a job or if I have every single details in writing, whether I can be up in the middle of the night, whether I am to breathe or not… I’m so tired of it. The hand that feeds is rarely the hand you long for the most. You want to be free. Human is free by nature. It is not by society.
I want to be on my own. Face all my problems myself. Fuck you dad, I’m not going to ask you for money if I ever get into trouble. I never thought I would. You just fucking assume it. Just like you fucking assumed I wanted your help to move out in the first place. Why the hell am I not allowed to do things and manage things and work things out on my own when there are so many thousand people out there which are allowed this pleasure? Why can I not try to see if I am smart enough, and rather crash and burn than be held back by somebody else? Isn’t it better to learn from your own mistakes, than make far worse ones to get to the point where you want to be? I even have the means to manage if, by any chance, my plan should fail to succeed. I know how to cope. Why the hell can’t I show you?
I’ve been laughed at for ten years now. At least. Ten years of them laughing at the idea of me moving out. Not because of the idea in itself most of the time, but because they think I won’t be able to do anything when I’m on my own. They don’t realize that the reason I usually don’t do things, is because it is not my place, my things or my order. I thereby feel scared as shit to do anything about it. For a long time, I hated cooking food because I was afraid I was using products they had planned to use for dinner or something else. And I was afraid of ruining their frying pan or something. Or the fear of accidentally burning the whole house down. Instead of being comforted that none of these things would happen, they laughed at how little I was cooking and how all I would ever make when I moved out was boiled noodle soup and microwave pizza. It won’t be.
So, really, why must it be illegal to kill your parents, when they are probably the ones that deserves it the most?
I just thought up a genius idea! At least it is to me. What if I made an arrangement, where all of you saved up about…£5 each month or each week, and then I told you something you ought to get for that price or less! What do you all think of it?
Most of the time, it would probably be like a CD or a DVD at Play.com, where they don’t charge you for shipping. It would be a great way to expand your collection and expand your taste and knowledge.
Let me know and get back to me. I could just do like a post a week where I recommended an item and told you a bit about it and so on.
I guess you can sort of call the whole idea for a “purchase club”, just like there are book clubs and so on.
Title: Frank Zappa – Why Does It Hurt When I Pee?
Why did I stop listening to Frank Zappa?:
This is a question I asked myself earlier today, and found I didn’t know why. I listened to him at ALL time about 3/4 of a year ago, and listened him up to a 3d place in my Last.fm, but then I suddenly stopped and haven’t heard a single song by him afterwards. And no matter how hard I try to remember, I can’t remember quite exactly what the reason was. I sometimes do this thing. I lose memories of things that have been important to me earlier or later on. For example can I not remember Alexander in 8th grade, though he was one of my best friends in 9th grade, 10th grade and before 8th grade as well. I’ve tried to remember SOMETHING, just having seen him, but I can’t. Not because he wasn’t present in the classroom, but because I just can’t.
Why I keep forgetting things like this, I don’t know. I’m not sure if I want to start listening again or not, but some things I can not redo or undo…or actually, most things you can’t undo. You can just make up for it or try to prevent it from going further.
-“You might find a metaphor in everything” me
Seems like I’m posting about every third day. It’s not on purpose. I’ve just been a lot busy or sick or haven’t been on my computer or haven’t felt like posting. But least of all the last option. It’s mainly because I haven’t been able to, though I might start using my phone for my calendar!
Well, today, it’s ALREADY the EIGHT of December! That’s a bit…CRAZY! It’s true as someone said in my class just the other day “When I was little, December seemed to last forever, but now, it just flies by so all too quickly”. Those are some wise words. I’ll throw in “Philosophy” as a category for this post for those words!
Sorry for not posting ANYTHING that’s not December related lately, but it’s important to understand that it’s soon Christmas (or some other holiday, I’m not Christian myself, so I’m not REALLY supposed to celebrate it, but hey, I’m not part of a religion that’s against other religions, and this is also tradition, so, I do as I want to!)!
Bob Dylan released a Christmas album called “Christmas In The Heart” (see picture in this post) last year. That title is probably not all coincidental. It’s probably been made up from the fact of that it’s not REALLY the gifts, or the food, or the music or the…whatever else that counts, it’s about CARING for others, and all that LOVE! (And about being on the height of darkness, and therefore celebrating that it’ll only be lighter and lighter each day from there on.)
NOT MANY DAYS LEFT! I’m a bit stressed myself, but I think I’ll do good this year as well. If just that post service would work right soon…
Have you bought and fixed all the gifts you’re giving this year yet?
Title: The Rolling Stones – Bitch
I miss you too much lately. Still, I feel like you’ve changed, so I have to learn to know you again. I miss it when you call my name and I felt like you looked up to me as if I was some kind of superhero, while I thought to myself that you are the most perfect girl I can think of and how lucky I am. To quote The Beatles: “You don’t look different, but you have changed”. We all change. Still, we don’t change. People change a bit, but not totally. You’re still the girl I knew, and you’re still the girl I fell and keeps falling in love with. I love you with all of my heart. I need you. I miss spending all my spare time with you. I think I’m a bit depressed from all the missing you. I want you.
Though, you have to be free. I get that you have to change, because I’m not the only person in your world and you’ve understood some things I haven’t really figured before this weekend. Mainly, what you’ve gotten that I haven’t before now, is that it’s not so that you have to let go of everything of your current life when you get engaged or move together with someone. You can still visit your family. You can still talk to them. In my mind, I’ve been set to let go of everything once it was just you and me. But there is no “just you and me”, is there? We can’t just die away from everything, in a social suicide metaphorical way. I don’t have to stop talking and meeting and hanging out with all of my friends. If I’d gotten this a couple of years ago, I’d have so many more friends now.
Since I haven’t figured this before now, I’ve kinda been preparing to let go of everything and everyone.
I’m not gonna be attached to the idea of HAVING to have a song title to post with anymore…unless it fits or I’m usual blogging. But it will be a rule of thumb. I’ll have to start posting more with my mobile phone, I’ve found out. All in all, really, posting more, because the more I post, the more you can read, right? And then you guys (not sexist, I just say “guys” all the time, so when I do, I mean you girls as well, but to set it straight:) and girls that like what I write or reading about my life or how I write or just come here for the pretty design or whatever your reason for visiting my WordPress is, will have more reason to visit here, because I will have done more within the last time you’ve visited. I like posting a lot, it’s just that I can’t always do so, but I’ll try to get better at it. Though, this may just last tonight, I’ll try to keep it up for a long time.
To end this post, let’s have a picture:
Title: The Beatles – And Your Bird Can Sing
I’ve found my (temporary) meaning of life. My meaning of life, is to achieve happiness. I like the Norwegian word for it better. To be “lykkelig” is the meaning of life. I think you can’t really achieve it with too much money though, but not with too few possessions either. I think there’s a balance to keep. I can feel that I in a way resent money lately. Not the few bucks here and few bucks there, but I caught myself thinking I wouldn’t want like a million bucks if someone had given it to me now, because I know it would make me less happy. I don’t strive to become a billionaire now, I strive to be happy and do what I want with my life and in my life.
I say “(temporary)”, because I might get a deeper meaning to it later on, but that I do not know now. Things always change. Whether you like it or not. Most of us dislike it. But change isn’t always for the worse. Change can be for the better. You just gotta be open to it, though I think everyone knows it’s hard to be at all time for all changes. I’m having a hard time accepting changes myself. I don’t really want to change and I don’t like it when things change.
I know these are all thoughts that have probably been told before, but I realize it now. I don’t want people lecturing me of my own thoughts though, because I know what I think and feel about things. I just want people to hear what I think about life and what’s the purpose. These are probably all thoughts that belong to my new found religion as well (Buddhism), but it’s always better to put your own words to it.
So whether you’re happy milking sheep or mountain hiking on a Wall Mart, do it, because you need to be happy! Just make sure you don’t spoil it for everyone else, because we live in a society where you have to take care of other people and not go ahead and kill away, because that only leads to people want revenge, and revenge is a growing feeling that never really ends. And don’t steal other people’s stuff or be mean to them in any way. Be kind, and you will live a good life.
42, the “Ultimate Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, The Universe, and Everything” according to The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy
Question: What is your meaning of life?