I cannot remember the last time I felt this lonely. Usually when I’m not able to talk too much with Emma, I can at least get in touch with some long lost friend to talk to, but it doesn’t feel like it tonight. And it feels like “loneliness” has become, or rather, always has been, a central word in my life. I don’t feel too bad about it though, but I have a hard time today with finding out what MY purpose here is. And I haven’t been able to kill that train of thought today either.
That’s probably why I’m here again. I feel better writing in English about hard things. Or loneliness, despite feeling more alone in the English world than in the Norwegian. It just feels closer to my heart to talk and think and express myself in English, rather than in Norwegian.
Why must it be illegal to kill your parents, when they are probably the ones who deserves it the most?
Really. Why? If I had just gotten rid of them, many of my current problems would be solved. But sadly, it is illegal. To just be free from them…oh, the joy. If I was a child of divorce, maybe it would be easy to sneak away from them without anyone noticing. But I’m not. And they both seems to want me to stay, while saying they don’t want me to stay. They want to control whether my room is clean or not, whether it is an oral agreement on a job or if I have every single details in writing, whether I can be up in the middle of the night, whether I am to breathe or not… I’m so tired of it. The hand that feeds is rarely the hand you long for the most. You want to be free. Human is free by nature. It is not by society.
I want to be on my own. Face all my problems myself. Fuck you dad, I’m not going to ask you for money if I ever get into trouble. I never thought I would. You just fucking assume it. Just like you fucking assumed I wanted your help to move out in the first place. Why the hell am I not allowed to do things and manage things and work things out on my own when there are so many thousand people out there which are allowed this pleasure? Why can I not try to see if I am smart enough, and rather crash and burn than be held back by somebody else? Isn’t it better to learn from your own mistakes, than make far worse ones to get to the point where you want to be? I even have the means to manage if, by any chance, my plan should fail to succeed. I know how to cope. Why the hell can’t I show you?
I’ve been laughed at for ten years now. At least. Ten years of them laughing at the idea of me moving out. Not because of the idea in itself most of the time, but because they think I won’t be able to do anything when I’m on my own. They don’t realize that the reason I usually don’t do things, is because it is not my place, my things or my order. I thereby feel scared as shit to do anything about it. For a long time, I hated cooking food because I was afraid I was using products they had planned to use for dinner or something else. And I was afraid of ruining their frying pan or something. Or the fear of accidentally burning the whole house down. Instead of being comforted that none of these things would happen, they laughed at how little I was cooking and how all I would ever make when I moved out was boiled noodle soup and microwave pizza. It won’t be.
So, really, why must it be illegal to kill your parents, when they are probably the ones that deserves it the most?
Usually, I don’t give a damn about Hollywood couples. What I mean is, I don’t care whether they stay together or split up or whatever. They are usually just something that exists, but I sort of see it as only another show they put on to get more fans or to give some drama for the gossip magazines to write about. But there is one couple I hope stay together. I didn’t realize I cared too much about this either before I just now googled them. When I saw them together, I really felt “wow…these two really should stay together!”. And, which you’ve probably already taken from the title, the couple is Ryan Adams and his wife, Mandy Moore.
I am a huge fan of Ryan Adams, and as most people know, music (and arts in general) tend to get better with heartaches. But I feel Ryan Adams have already suffered enough. He has put out so much music that is so heartfelt and seems to have been through tons of shit. And now he’s married. And the last album he released (“Ashes & Fire”) was actually one of the best albums he’s ever made (and his wife is singing in the background of one of the songs)!
(The picture is taken from http://img.perezhilton.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/img_0826__opt.jpg so it seems it’s been uploaded by Perez Hilton)
I really wish all the best for this married couple. I hope they stay together for ever.
Title: The Doors – Roadhouse Blues
I don’t think most people in this world really have enough to say, to really blog as often as they do. Either I’m right, or I’m really just not getting how much you really should pour out in this world. I really don’t think you’re interested in reading about my daily outfit or what I ate for breakfast or what colour I’m thinking of. Neither do I think you’re interested in knowing that John Mayer listens to B.B.King’s “Live At The Regal” before doing a live show or such information. I really don’t think so, otherwise, I’d probably give you all these sorts of information daily. But I don’t, so unless someone out there comments me wrong here, I’m going to keep having this thought and follow that.
It feels like a lot of things are happening in my life. Almost like if something new is supposed to happen every single day. Of course, at the age I am, I’m supposed to be able to handle this easily, but it would be better if I had a bit more training with this during the last five years or so. I used to be a lot with friends and do a lot of stuff, but haven’t been up to these kinds of things the last five years. The closest is spending time with my girlfriend because of the travelling we have to go through to make that happen, but that’s still not the same thing. Anyways, if you’re not getting my point, I’m getting tired. I’m especially tired of being nagged about having to rehearse my driving all the fucking time. REALLY tired of that one. I shouldn’t have said yes to start driving again at the time I did.
To be quite honest, I’m as good as done with school now. It’s a hard feeling, since I always feel it being hard to quit or change a school. I’ll get through it, of course, but kind of hard and just weird not to be seeing the same people anymore. You get used to seeing the same people day after day, listening in on other people’s conversations, having a spot of your own in that specific society or community, if you’d like. It was easier to change school last time, because a lot of the same people were going to go to the same school I was starting, but now, now I’m not going to a new school. I’m going to try to make a worker out of me. Move out, start working. I’ll basically change everything in how my life is today. New profession, new city, new responsibility, new home, new way of meeting my girlfriend, new people.
Who is this man in the mirror? I can no longer seem to recognize him. Not quite. But still, there’s something familar about him. He seems like someone I once knew. Someone who once smiled everyday and didn’t have a single sorrow or care in the world. This can’t be the same man. The man I’m seeing now, has big bags under his eyes. They are purple…ish. His caring wrinkles in his forehead, are well used. And he seems to be carrying some sort of burden.
No, this cannot be that same man. He is so serious. Even when he’s smiling, there’s something serious and dark and haunted about him. His cheeks are also too skinny. Too skinny and too untrained for the smiles this boy I remember once. This boy who had cheekbones made from steel from all his smiling. He used to take care of all sorts of people, both popular and unpopular, and tried to make everyone exploit their full potential. Now it seems like he’s the one in need of this. No, this man in the mirror is not the same person, I’m thinking about.
But still, there seems to be some kind of child within him, who’s just too afraid to come out. As if too many bad things have happened to him over the years to actually dare make an entrance. This little child within him who unwillingly makes him smile everytime he sees a baby. This child who wanted so badly to become a big brother. Eventually, that little child realized it was probably for the best that he was a lonely child. He wasn’t exactly thinking back at his childhood with great joy at the ending of it. The thing he remember the most, was the missing. The wanting to have a father around. So he hid under his father’s desk around the time he knew his father would come home, just so he could leap out and at least know that he would bump into his dad. But it wasn’t before years later that his father had any time to him. It was first when he had learned to be tough and manage on his own that his father had time for advices and started meddling into every aspect of the young boy’s life.
This man I see in the mirror is a damaged man. A glass man. A glass man whose glass just keeps hardening for every day. Sometimes, it breaks, but he slowly repairs it. Not as good as it was, but he repairs it. He’s worried about so many things in his own little glass world. More than anything is he afriaid something would happen to his girl. The girl of his dreams. The only girl in the world. The girl who happened to be the only one to make him feel less broken. This girl that keeps on helping him, making him stronger and happier, for every day of his life. This girl who is now his family. She is the reason he still gets out of bed every day in the morning. She is there to protect him at all time. She is always there for him. She is his superwoman. And he loves her with all the love he could possibly manage to squeeze out of his heart. He lives for her.
Title: Aerosmith – Falling In Love (Is Hard On The Knees)
Yesterday, I was on a lovely date with my dear Emma. I wasn’t in the best shape, so we didn’t do very much, but we did do some nice things.
First of all, we talked! God, I love talking with her. It’s so good and comforting and it’s just nothing like talking to anyone else. She really knows me and gets me, and I her! I know we didn’t really sit down and talk seriously or anything like that, but it was just really something to talk to her, like really TALK, again. It doesn’t happen as often as it used to do. I think it’s because of me.
Second, we had fun! I’ve missed that so much as well! I mean, it wasn’t just tickling, we actually had fun both verbally and physically without just tickling. That was so fun and good and it filled me with a warmth I haven’t really felt in a while. I feel kind of embarresed for feeling all these feelings, but…I do.
Then to what we did. We walked to the Norwegian opera hall in Oslo and just felt the sun warm us while we were talking and having fun and we kissed and took pictures and…I was really happy. I felt a sort of happiness I hadn’t felt in a while.
But after a while, it got kind of chilly for me, so we went back to her place eventually, where we lied down and just talked and kissed for two hours. I miss her. I miss holding her in my arms, watching her face, feeling the warm feeling of safety. Feeling her arms around me as well.
Then we went to the cinema to watch the movie “Black Swan”. I couldn’t really stop looking at her. I wanted to just keep on watching her and kiss her during the whole movie. The movie was interesting, but I was more interested in my girlfriend. I don’t know why, but I’m very much in love with her lately.
After the movie, we headed back to her place, where we would eat trout for dinner. It tasted good, but I get full pretty fast when I’m sick, so I could only take one plate of it. It was a really pleassant dinner. There was laughter and joy and I felt like things were as they should be.
The rest of the day and date, I don’t wanna talk about. It’s a bit too personal. I just hope nothing I’ve already said is too personal as well. At least I hope it’s not for anyone but me.
Title: Ryan Adams – Gonna Make You Love Me (I hope I can)
I’m home from school today. I’m not sure if I could take this day even if I was in shape for it. It’s just so hard lately. I feel like all my plans, all my life and everything I have that I appreciate and wanted to have for ever aren’t mine anymore and they are all just going away. I thought this would happen two years ago, but now…Now I was getting very comfortable in my situation. Just as soon as things were getting more like they used to be. But I don’t know what’s happening anymore. I really don’t know. I hope things work themselves out for the better again. I hope I’m…a good enough boy for everything to solve themselves. A man I once tried to work for told me that everything solves themselves for good boys. I’ve always seen myself as a good boy. I hope he was right. I hope it will all be better soon.