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Why not write?


Well, this was more fun than I remembered it. So I think I’ll continue it. What is your platform of choice? WordPress or Blogger? I guess mine is WordPress, though it is filled with stuff that frustrates hatred out of me. Such as how limited your controls are on your own page, unless you spend a lot of money. Damn my ulcers. I keep on biting them when I yawn. Especially the one down to the left. Then it hurts and I wanna swear. But I don’t, because I know it’s no use. Even I can’t hear me. I listen to Dylan. “The Times They Are A-Changin'”, as you may have figured from the last post. “With God On Our Side” now. It’s quite a marvelous album. I like it a lot, though I do tend to listen to his electric period rather than his utter folk period. It is just much more interesting about the studio productions in the electric stuff. The acoustic was just him. And it’s not very hard to understand how to make the sounds. Maybe some overlaying. But it’s really all acoustic. Guitar. Harmonica. Vocals. No processed sound other than perhaps some compression here and there. Pop-filter. Etc.

 

Now I’m going to bed. But that doesn’t mean I won’t write anymore. I have WordPress on my cell phone. Does anyone say “cell phone” anymore?


The Times They Are A-Changin’


And they are. I tell you now, they are. At least from my perspective, they are. Change is in the air and in life. And I am sick.

 

Seriously, I am. I have the flu or something. Annoying as can be, as I had plans for this week other than just staying at home and going to work. Oh, by the way, I’ve got a job now! It’s as a temporary for whichever post office needs me in my area. So it’s a day-to-day work.

 

And I’ve gotten some sores in my mouth. Ulcers, I guess its called. One at the bottom left and one at the top right. So I feel like a disco dancer with my tongue watching out for the two of them.

 

I haven’t been much active as Sonic Lizzz lately. No, that’s wrong. I haven’t been active lately as anything, really. No Twitter within any language, any account or any device. No blogs. No writing. Period. I’ve been busy dealing with my own shit. I’ve started a new job, and I’m working on the side as well with my own projects. And when I sit here in the end on my computer, I feel less compelled and tempted into writing or doing anything productive. In any case, I’ll research. Maybe I don’t take the time to live as much now.

 

But I did bake a cake tonight, so I guess life is being lived whether I work or not. I will go on and be myself. It seems no cage can hold me completely down. Only limit my height.

 

I like my guitar.


Loneliness


I cannot remember the last time I felt this lonely. Usually when I’m not able to talk too much with Emma, I can at least get in touch with some long lost friend to talk to, but it doesn’t feel like it tonight. And it feels like “loneliness” has become, or rather, always has been, a central word in my life. I don’t feel too bad about it though, but I have a hard time today with finding out what MY purpose here is. And I haven’t been able to kill that train of thought today either.

That’s probably why I’m here again. I feel better writing in English about hard things. Or loneliness, despite feeling more alone in the English world than in the Norwegian. It just feels closer to my heart to talk and think and express myself in English, rather than in Norwegian.


Day


I woke up later than I thought I did today. It bugs me when I think it’s earlier than it is. Sometimes also when it’s later than it is. Just because then I can’t perhaps start the day already as I thought I could anyway.

 

I wanted to write. I probably got up quite a lot faster than I would because I wanted to write. And because I had to pee, in all honesty. I brought my slim netbook with me to the bathroom, and found out I could station it here till tonight. Unless I have company. Then I have to remove it. I won’t be sitting around, writing a lot when in company. I never do. It’s not that I don’t have the option, but most of the time I try, I just can’t. I can’t figure out what to write, damn less how to. In addition to bringing the computer downstairs with me, I brought my iPhone, its charger and “On The Road” by Jack Kerouac. I’m trying to read it lately, but it seems it’s going quite slowly. 10 pages in more than one week is quite slowly. But there’s something about it that attracts me as well. And inspires me to write too. So I want to write lately.

 

Now I should get up and do something of the day. Good day.



I sort of stumbled upon this when I was visiting WordPress today and I think it’s quite the informative post, so I thought I’d try to “reblog” it. Never tried before, so I’m not sure how it looks, but do read through this thing.

Get Write Down To It

While texting was technically invented in the early nineties, it only started to gain widespread popularity in the last six years (or so).  For five out of those six years, I was perched high atop my soapbox, proclaiming that texting would be the death of all meaningful human interaction.  If someone had handed me a megaphone, I would have shouted, “Why don’t you people ever talk to each other anymore?!”

As a writer, I also saw texting as a personal affront to the written word.  Grammar, spelling, punctuation, and sentence structure were all scrapped in favor of the English language’s newborn bastardized son – the short message service (SMS), also called text speak; a language full of acronyms, abbreviations, and numerical inserts.  So, it seemed texting was not only replacing our meaningful face-to-face interactions and phone calls, it was also responsible for creating an entire generation of crappy writers.

When…

View original post 829 more words


All despaired DS, DSi and alike owners, despair no more!…over your WiFi issues!


No, despair no more, because I have come up with the perfect solution on how you can let your DSi (and its alikes) go online, playing with other people, AND keep a highly secured internet (such as WPA, WPA2 or both put together).

 

For those unfamiliar with what I’m talking about, let me tell you what the main problem here is. The problem is that Nintendo has for some reason only allowed their handheld game devices in the series of Nintendo DS, only hook up to an open or WEP-secured router. With the DSi, they did allow you to connect to a WPA-secured one as well, but not for gaming, only for usage of the web browser and such activities. The thing is, most people enjoy playing against other people or together with other people. Interaction is fun, or at least fun to be accessible. But as I have indirectly pointed out: WEP is a much weaker security system than all the other options (except open, of course). Therefore, most people will not set the security to this setting, and so Nintendo is losing tons of potential online gamers.

 

Until today. Because after having looked for another problem with my router yesterday, I figured out how to solve the problem. And it’s so simple, many people out there will now think “Why didn’t I think of THAT?!”.

 

This is what you need to do: Make an isolated guest network with WEP settings. And that’s it! Since it’s isolated, it won’t allow anyone to access your main options from it, they have to be connected to your main SSID and go from there. And your main SSID is of course then secured as highly as possible.

 

I’m not sure if this works for all routers, but it certainly does with Netgear. So I hope this helped someone else as well out of a pickle, because it sure helped me.


iPhone 4S: S is for Siri


So has the day come. The day many of you, at least those of you who’s found my name by looking at Linux sites and alike, would never think would come in my case. Yes, today is the day I became an owner of an iPhone. The 4S version.

Now, many of you then ask “Why?”. A lot of people have asked me just this already. Why would I, a happy Android user who keeps posting about Linux – Ubuntu, Linux Mint and JoliOS in particular – choose to go with an iPhone now?

My last phone was a Samsung Galaxy 551. I got it because I wanted Android and I wanted keyboard, but not the little ones that came with Sony Ericsson Xperia Mini Pro or whatever their names are. To begin with, I was quite happy, but eventually, I had questions and problems and it turned out one thing: It wasn’t easy to get the help I needed. It also eventually turned out, that it doesn’t matter how much external memory you can add to one of these phones, it WILL EAT UP your internal memory no matter what and then make you beg of it to be able to install a single new app on it.

Android may very well have been based upon the idea and concept of Linux to begin with, but it has moved away from it. Far away from it. It is not free and is not open source. It has just become another mobile OS with some slight features that are closer related to Linux than OSX. After all, UNIX is where all of these really originate from.

Now, I know what people may comment to something I said earlier in this post. I could just try to root my Android phone and then I can do all sorts of things with it. And I did. And that was really the beginning to a very rapid process to hard bricking my phone. I tried installing a new ROM on it and did a backup and bang, it turned black. And, as I said earlier, it was problematic to find help in a situation with my phone, so I had to latch on to some very tight straws. It didn’t help (yet), and so I had to make peace with the fact of that I had to get myself a new phone.

A week later or so, I ordered myself an iPhone 4S. I had been investigating quite a lot, trying to find the perfect phone, but in the end, I had to realize that there was actually not ONE perfect phone for me. There were several. A BlackBerry with Norwegian keys would be perfect for me. An Android with loads of internal memory and a built-in keyboard would be perfect for me. I even wondered if I should get myself a Windows Phone. But I ended up with iPhone. Why? It doesn’t have a keyboard, it isn’t Android, it’s Apple, which I have seemed to be quite a lot against. So why?

The fact is, I’ve been distorting my own view. You see, my original view is to have an open mind about all platforms. Try to be open to what is the best, and I have failed. This, I believe, has come from me seeing Apple as the most money-draining capitalistic company which delivers OS systems that are just better looking than what you get for free for more money than a complete Windows 7 computer (which you can run both Linux and Windows on). That, and the fact of that I’m a huge Beatles-fan, so Beatles being against Apple MAY have had SOME effect on me as well.

But now I have to realize it. Siri is fun. iPhone is quite fun, and it’s the biggest community out there. Because it’s the only phone that is being sold in billions of copies in the same version. Sure, there are variations such as iPhone 3G and iPhone 4 and iPhone 4S, but they are all just based on top of the previous model. This makes it easy to find thousands of others who has experienced the same problems which you may have seen. It also makes it easy to find out what to stay away from and what to try. And of course, you get loads of fun accessories.

Now, there is one open thread here (which I can think of) that I have yet not answered. And I will answer it now. What about the keyboard? I am still not willing to 100% compromise with having to deal with touch only. Therefore I have ordered this off of eBay: A wireless keyboard for the iPhone 4/4S which is available in black and white and which connects through Bluetooth.

iPhone Siri IS fun!


Installing Linux on your Android?!


Today, I was searching my Android phone’s Market, to find out if there was a client of Pidgin released for it. It wasn’t, but when searching, I came across something called a “Linux Installer” from Galoula. This seems interesting, but I’m not sure whether my phone (with its tiny internal memory card) can run this, both because of the tine internal memory card it has and because I’m not sure if this is meant for the Market version for phones, and not exclusively to 4.0 tablets or something.

Does anyone know anything about this?


Gotta get ready!


Interview is in about three hours time! GOT TO GET READY!!!!!


Why can’t I stop crying (when you can).


Why can’t I stop crying (when you can)..

I really would like to know what it’s like to be able to just forget the whole night before upon waking up the day afterwards. It must be so soothing and good…


Down here in Nothingville Well…I feel


Down here in Nothingville

Well…I feel like a nothing, so I’m gonna call my place for this morning for Nothingville. I don’t really feel too good at the moment, which causes me to have problems doing everything I have to do within a brief moment of time now. I have to steady up quite nicely, because I think someone’s coming here to visit me today, but I’m not sure anymore. Last night may have changed it, though…I really don’t know.

I fell asleep crying last night. Kept bursting into tears, into my very dream. Didn’t want to wake up today. I was so happy in my dream. I was with Robert Plant, John Lennon and George Harrison. I do believe Paul McCartney was there somewhere as well, but I didn’t exactly hang out with him. There was a prequel to this part of the dream, but I do not recall it quite. I was happy there…


The interviews are over and my judge is:


The interviews are over and my judge is:

Well, of course, it’s not my saying that has the most to matter, really. If neither one cares to call me back for a follow-up interview (they both need it), it won’t have a damn to say which one I preferred. But for the record: it was the first job.

The second job interview I was at today was a group interview. That basically means, you’ll be one out of tens to sit in a meeting room around a big table and listen to a PowerPoint Presentation until it’s everyone’s turn to stand up and say something about themselves. That’s…not really something for me. The job itself was never more temptatious than the first one anyway, so it’s really all okay. I’d never guess they’ll call me back to say I got the job on that second one either. I’m more of a one-on-one kind of guy when it comes to interviews.


Interviews are a lot of interviewing…


Interviews are a lot of interviewing…

At this moment, I’m sitting on my couch, after having been to a job interview. In two hours from now, I’m attending a second one. I might later today receive a call which states I am to go to another interview tomorrow, as a follow-up for today’s interview.

If, on the other hand, I’ll get called to say the follow-up interview on Monday, I will probably not be much outside my apartment tomorrow. I’ll just stay in and search for new jobs. I may even treat myself with a nice little movie or reading a bit more in “1984” by George Orwell (which I must say, despite not being too excited about starting it, I now HIGHLY recommend!). But that’s for tomorrow. Today, I’ll be interviewed and eating something…good. Perhaps I’ll test my relatively new oven for how it works on pizza. I love pizza and I love my new oven.


The really bad thing about doing so, is


The really bad thing about doing so, is that your WordPress doesn’t get good looking titles and there are only a lot of short posts, I found out… But I’m now testing something, because it MAY appear that HootSuite is clever enough to know that you can post far longer posts to your WordPress than to your Twitter, so if this one comes through, it will be great! Then I’ll perhaps post a lot like this.


Did you know: you can use HootSuite to p


Did you know: you can use HootSuite to post short messages like this one to your WordPress? As long as it’s 140 characters at the most


Rock & Roll


Title: Led Zeppelin – Rock & Roll

I chose this title because of the lyrics. “It’s been a long time since I rock & rolled. It’s been a long time since I did this stroll. Let me get it back, let me get it back, let me get it back. It’s been a long lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time.”
So in other words, it’s a good description of my blogging. I haven’t blogged here in ages. At least it feels like ages. And that despite all the things that have happened.

But I’m not going to make a superblogpost now about all the stuff that’s happened. No.

image

I thought a photo was in its place after having been away so long. Photographer: me.

What I’m going to do, is just to let you know I will soon be updating the page quite a lot. I’m thinking loads of more pages, more diversity to the site and really just make it into more of a website than a blog…with a blog.

I’ll let you know when I start. But it won’t be now, and it won’t be this weekend. No pressure, so may forget all about it.

Hope you’re all having a GREAT weekend!


No fucking poetry


Edgar Allan Poe is one of the best known autho...

Edgar Allan Poe. I once wrote a song about his death. And no, you can never get too much Edgar Allan Poe, so therefore his image is in this post. Image via Wikipedia

I tried writing poetry today (also known as “lyrics“), but it fucking wouldn’t work. I don’t have it in me at this moment. I have the potential of making a great instrumental song, but the lyrics? No, not today. Probably too much…no, I won’t say that. I won’t say I feel too shitty, because you can never feel too shitty for art. Art is supposedly better the crappier off you are. And I’m nowhere near a masterpiece, despite feeling pretty bad now. And I don’t have the courage to say it out loud. Or write it directly to someone. Therefore, I blog.

 

Will there in the future be so that pupils at school will have to read through blog posters blog posts? That would be something, wouldn’t it? But why not? If it’s a bit factual or lyrical anyways. Not just “outfit of the day”. That would be more for the cultural studies. It would be grand to be one of those they had to read. I hope it could be me. Don’t think so, but I still hope. I should really get around to writing that fucking book. No idea what it should be about though. It will be non-fiction. As in neither science fiction, nor past fiction. Guess the term should be something like…well, non-fiction. But that’s already coined for factual texts.

 

So I sit here, listening to the same song without any meaning, just because it’s soothing. Comforting even, perhaps. It has nothing to do with my mood. The lyrics are about some party. I really don’t care. The melody is just…calm. Calm and flowing. And then I don’t have to find a new song and a new band and a new album and a new genre all the time. It just is there. It can keep playing all night for what I care. Might change it eventually. Will not be satisfied with changing it, but felt it was what was expected of me. Probably. I was just sitting here in peace and quiet before I put it on.


Why must it be illegal to kill your parents, when they are probably the ones who deserves it the most?


Really. Why? If I had just gotten rid of them, many of my current problems would be solved. But sadly, it is illegal. To just be free from them…oh, the joy. If I was a child of divorce, maybe it would be easy to sneak away from them without anyone noticing. But I’m not. And they both seems to want me to stay, while saying they don’t want me to stay. They want to control whether my room is clean or not, whether it is an oral agreement on a job or if I have every single details in writing, whether I can be up in the middle of the night, whether I am to breathe or not… I’m so tired of it. The hand that feeds is rarely the hand you long for the most. You want to be free. Human is free by nature. It is not by society.

 

I want to be on my own. Face all my problems myself. Fuck you dad, I’m not going to ask you for money if I ever get into trouble. I never thought I would. You just fucking assume it. Just like you fucking assumed I wanted your help to move out in the first place. Why the hell am I not allowed to do things and manage things and work things out on my own when there are so many thousand people out there which are allowed this pleasure? Why can I not try to see if I am smart enough, and rather crash and burn than be held back by somebody else? Isn’t it better to learn from your own mistakes, than make far worse ones to get to the point where you want to be? I even have the means to manage if, by any chance, my plan should fail to succeed. I know how to cope. Why the hell can’t I show you?
I’ve been laughed at for ten years now. At least. Ten years of them laughing at the idea of me moving out. Not because of the idea in itself most of the time, but because they think I won’t be able to do anything when I’m on my own. They don’t realize that the reason I usually don’t do things, is because it is not my place, my things or my order. I thereby feel scared as shit to do anything about it. For a long time, I hated cooking food because I was afraid I was using products they had planned to use for dinner or something else. And I was afraid of ruining their frying pan or something. Or the fear of accidentally burning the whole house down. Instead of being comforted that none of these things would happen, they laughed at how little I was cooking and how all I would ever make when I moved out was boiled noodle soup and microwave pizza. It won’t be.

 

So, really, why must it be illegal to kill your parents, when they are probably the ones that deserves it the most?


I’m A Geek (Linux Mint)


Linux Mint

Image via Wikipedia

Let’s just admit it right now. I’m a geek. I love geeky stuff. I like watching Star Wars movies, play with Linux, learn new things and just dig really deep in music history. Still, I’m not fully and completely a geek. I am other things as well, but let’s be honest: I’m a geek. Nerd. Whatever.

The reason I’m saying so now, is my choice of OS (operative system). I have a mini computer I’ve used the past month in my job. The last half of that month, I chose to use a little OS called Joli OS (formerly Jolicloud and the service it provides is still called Jolicloud). I had it running along Windows 7.

The little computer I have is a Packard Bell dot s. It was a demo computer, meaning it was cheaper for me than if I had gotten a “normal” one. I don’t know if you know how little this computer is, so I’ll tell you. It’s a 10,1″ screen and weights about 1 kilogram (briefly over that, I believe). The webcam included (by what I’ve tested it for taking pictures with) is working better than my Acer 17″ that is much MUCH more powerful in every way than the Packard Bell really is except for this little feature.

Now, I’m done with that job. It was a short job, and I knew it would only last one month. I was happy with using Joli OS, and was going to convert my mini computer into a “Jolibook”, but then I realized that our network connection at home is messing it up. Our network is a N-net with WPA2 security. This isn’t working well with things based on Ubuntu 10.04 (at least). This led me to keep away from this transformation, as it would be a real hassle a lot of the time.

But now I have turned my computer into a full Linux computer. Linux Mint. You never saw that coming, did you? I was even sniffing around on Fedora 16 (which I believe I was thinking of mostly because of its dedication to the late Dennis Ritchie, a man all of us really should be grateful for having lived) at a time, but I found their window management to be…falsely working for my needs. So I made a live USB with Linux Mint 11, and had it erase my old partitions and let it get my computer all to itself. And I must say: choice well made.

It’s based on Ubuntu, which means it’s got quite a lot of features which are already familiar to me. It’s easy to configure the way you want it to go. And it always lets you know whether your system is up to date or not (with something you as a former Windows user would associate with anti-virus programs…but you won’t need one when you’re a Linux user).

The only thing that annoys me with this is really the security. As a Linux user, I am used to my distros asking me a lot about me authorizing this and that, but what’s new here, is that when I get into this computer, I will need to unlock my WiFi! That’s annoying. That’s a waste of time. But still acceptable, as you’re still getting quicker into your system (with this included), than you do with Windows.

I’m not going to say this computer will stay being a Linux Mint, because I do like the idea of being allowed to change this one’s distro quite a lot, but we’ll see. Anything goes, right? But so far, I am satisfied. Loving the easy configurations, the working spaces, the design, the speed and…well…everything I’ve really tried with it so far!

If this sounds interesting to you too, but you don’t want to give up your Windows or Mac OS, then you CAN dual-boot with this! You may do this in several ways: You may simply go to their website, download the version that says something about “Windows Installer”, and here is your options coming up. Either, you can do as I do, and have a free 4 GB USB that you make into a “Live USB” (using UNetBootin) or you may use a tool for emulation, such as Daemon Tools Lite! Then you simply install it alongside your current operative system! Simple! There are probably TONS of more specific tutorials on how to do this (which I suggest you look into if this is interesting you).

Oh, and if you do not have the internet configurations I do, then you really should try Joli OS as well. Probably my favorite OS, and it’s probably the lightest I’ve ever tried!


Ryan Adams & Mandy Moore


Usually, I don’t give a damn about Hollywood couples. What I mean is, I don’t care whether they stay together or split up or whatever. They are usually just something that exists, but I sort of see it as only another show they put on to get more fans or to give some drama for the gossip magazines to write about. But there is one couple I hope stay together. I didn’t realize I cared too much about this either before I just now googled them. When I saw them together, I really felt “wow…these two really should stay together!”. And, which you’ve probably already taken from the title, the couple is Ryan Adams and his wife, Mandy Moore.

 

I am a huge fan of Ryan Adams, and as most people know, music (and arts in general) tend to get better with heartaches. But I feel Ryan Adams have already suffered enough. He has put out so much music that is so heartfelt and seems to have been through tons of shit. And now he’s married. And the last album he released (“Ashes & Fire”) was actually one of the best albums he’s ever made (and his wife is singing in the background of one of the songs)!

 


(The picture is taken from http://img.perezhilton.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/img_0826__opt.jpg so it seems it’s been uploaded by Perez Hilton)

 

I really wish all the best for this married couple. I hope they stay together for ever.


Sonic Lizzzten


Saanalogie

Image via Wikipedia. Non-related

This post is going to be informative. That is what it’s all about.

 

You see, it will be about something I will try from now on to make. It is going to be called “Sonic Lizzzten” (as a pun between my nick name and the word “listen”). It will be a radio show, hosted by me, where I talk about many things here in life, but most importantly, music. I will recommend music to listen to, talk about music history, and I will even play songs (just like an ordinary radio show), but the songs will be bootlegs, as I otherwise might get into some legal trouble (and I do not believe I will if I use bootlegs, but we’ll see).

 

It will start some time soon, but when it is up, I don’t quite now. It also will probably not be regularly to a specific day of the week, as this is almost impossible to keep. To begin with, it will be hard to know when the next show will arrive, but I am planning to at least try to keep it as regular as one show per week in December (when I hopefully move out).

 

I hope someone likes this idea, and if someone has any suggestion as to how I should broadcast them, please do leave replies on that. Otherwise, it’ll probably be SoundCloud or YouTube or something. Let me know if you even have an opinion on which of these services you’d rather prefer I used.

 

That’s it for now! I will start WordPressing more soon!


Longing To Belong


Title: Eddie Vedder – Longing To Belong

 

Hello. I’m not very much active lately. It’s basically because I’m thinking a lot of thoughts I don’t want to share. I don’t want others to have them, because they basically ruin it for me. I’ve come to a thought and a train of thought which really has led me to be suicidal. Or actually, perhaps it’s better described as nonchalant about life. There is however an exception to this situation, and that is whenever I’m with my girlfriend. To me, that seems like I’m putting a lot of weight on her shoulders. But it’s the truth. It’s how things are.

 

Unfortunately, she’s not sleeping in the same bed as me tonight.


More Than You Know


Tite: Eddie Vedder – More Than You Know

 

There’s THAT album. That ONE album you JUST CAN’T wait for the prices to lower before you buy it. That one album you can’t let Spotify ruin the spirit of. That one album you realize really NEEDS to be in a physical version and which you really NEED to get NOW, because you can’t risk waiting any longer. It is already too much like an album of your dreams to stay away from it. It deserves the extra cash you use to get it NOW and not in a few months time.

 

I came across THAT album of this year for me today, and had to buy it. It is Eddie Vedder‘s “Ukulele Songs”. How can you not like – no – LOVE the idea of an album with one of the most beautiful voices known to the music industry making an album where he only has the instrument of a ukulele to accompany him!? But that’s not even all there is to love to it! Several songs on the album (“More Than You Know“, “”Once In A While“, “Tonight You Belong To Me” and “Dream A Little Dream”) are covers of old time 20’s and 30’s songs! It is an album that cannot be missed to me, but that I still have a major problem seeing why is so popular to others.


Dear Emma


 

Tonight I had set my alarm to go off at 03.45 AM. It was because I wanted to share a few text messages more before my girlfriend Emma got on her flight and went on a holiday. Her going on a holiday means it’ll be more expensive to send text messages, and so we’ll try to send less of them the following week from now. I unfortunately fell a bit asleep during the text messaging. Not really weird, as I fell asleep two hours before I was waken up again. If I had slept through the whole thing up until now, it would be less than 8 hours of sleep, so I guess I haven’t been sleeping a lot tonight, since I’ve gone on my computer to write a blog post now.

 

The bad thing is, that I fell too hard to wake up again around 6 AM, so when she got on her flight, I didn’t get to tell her that I love her. I didn’t get to tell her, as I’ve always told her before, that she mustn’t die and that the flight must go well. I didn’t get to reply to her three last messages. I didn’t get to tell her the most important thing in the whole wide world to me; I didn’t get to tell her that I love her.

 

I know it’s silly of me to think this way, but I’m really sad now and having a really bad conscience about not letting her know all these things. I feel that if her plane crashes, it will be my fault in a way, and it will also be horrible to know that if that happens and if she dies, she may have thought the last minute she was alive that I didn’t care enough to stay awake and perhaps that I didn’t love her. And I DO care enough and I DO love her! But it’s easy to fall asleep when you wait for a reply.

 

She really means the world to me. Without her, I wouldn’t be here. She saved my life the day we started talking together, which we’ve done every single day for the last two and a half years (and 17 days to be precise). She’s saved my life so many times, I really don’t know where I’d be without her. I’m in tears over the thought of that I might lose her now.

 

Emma, I love you