Something must break

>I Did Everything, Everything I Wanted To, I Let Them Use You, For Their Own Ends


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Title: Joy Division – Shadowplay (may have heard The Killers’ cover version of this song, which is a great cover)

This song inspire me. I can’t get Joy Division out of my brain. never. It’ll always be luring there. No matter my happiness and no matter the music I’m listening to. Shadowplay haunts me the most. Lyrically, that is. Other than that, “Atrocity Exhibition” haunts me. I’ll bet the drum beat of that song is the beat of my heart. It won’t go away.

I don’t know why, but I never write anymore. Maybe it’s because I don’t have the time. Maybe it’s because I don’t like writing down all my thoughts like I used to, no matter how impulsive they were. Maybe it’s because I’m not thinking anymore. Maybe it’s because I can’t.

I don’t know the exact reason why, but I want to write again. I don’t know what, but I want to write something. If only it’s my blog, telling people what I think, despite there probably only being less than 5 people reading it. You should be happy if you can please at least one person in this cruel world. I think my mentor John Dorian (Zach Braff’s character in Scrubs) taught me that. It’s a good rule of thumb.

I wish I could be great again. I probably hasn’t reached my greatest moments yet, but I feel like me as a person is on a downhill. I used to be brilliant. I think I could be whatever I wanted to be. It’s not too late yet. I think I feel this way a lot because my dad keeps letting me know I was better at school and everything before. I don’t know if I’m really good at anything I can make a living out of anymore. I think I can be a great artist, but I don’t think anyone will put their money on me, so I think I’ll fade away and perhaps one band or something will be inspired by my songs, 30 years after my death, and covering one of the songs. I don’t know. I know I can write…or at least that I could.

I felt like I could write like a God for a while. But I don’t feel that way anymore. Getting A’s stopped being such a big deal when I heard EVERYONE was getting them somewhere else. I never got an A in anything besides English. Now I hear about lots of people getting A’s on their exams, which I was one of three to get an A in. I hate being told I wasn’t as great as I think I was. I feel like people keep reminding me of that, and that just makes me…it makes me want to just explode a large area of the world and just show everyone exactly HOW great I CAN be. But I never will. I’m too busy. People don’t see me as busy, but I am. I’m busy being what I always knew I’d try to be my best at. Lately, I haven’t been so busy with that, and it’s noticeable. I’m learning a lot of things, but I’m not being so good at what I was ment to be.

I need to become something great to show the world I CAN be better than people at something, because right NOW, I feel like I suck so much I shouldn’t really be with people. I have dreams of going to a cabin with all my instruments and having a recording studio all set up for me there, and just record a whole lot of stuff and make masterpieces. It probably will never happen, but I wish I could. I wish I could forget about all the bad things I’ve heard of. They just keep getting more and more, and I just let them flow against me.

I’ve become something people laugh of, when I used to be someone people admired. Try it, and you will feel how hard it is.

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